The Loneliness of Feeling Misunderstood as an HSP

Being misunderstood can be a difficult experience as a highly sensitive person, one that you’ve probably experienced your whole life.  Hearing messages that doubt your emotional and intuitive experiences are common for HSPs.  Have you been told, “you don’t feel that way”, “you’re exaggerating”, or “how could you know that?” or some variation of these? 

Lately this has been less common for me as I surround myself more and more with fellow HSPs, so when a few people in my life made comments that really missed the mark recently, I must admit I was taken aback.  Being transported back to a time where I often felt misperceived brought up feelings of sadness and loneliness.   

Am I Overwhelmed?

The misperception that stuck out the most was being told that I often seem overwhelmed which was quite surprising because I work really hard to make sure that doesn’t happen.  I definitely have a full schedule and get exhausted by the end of the week as a therapist, but I don’t often get to the point of feeling overwhelmed.  After hearing this, I stepped back to ask myself “am I overwhelmed!?”.  

I remembered feeling overwhelmed during tax prep week as I got everything ready for my accountant (running two businesses equals a lot of paperwork!).  Otherwise, I thought I had been doing a great job at protecting my downtime, despite diving into some new work projects and managing family stuff.  Being quite the organized person, there was a part of me that definitely felt defensive and a bit offended at this assumption, if I’m honest.   

So why am I coming off as overwhelmed if I’m not actually overwhelmed most of the time?  After some reflection, I realized there’s two parts that contributed to this situation.  First of all, I’m unavailable to socialize or hop on phone calls most days so I imagine it appears that I’m underwater quite a bit.  

Be Less Available

The reality is that I have carved out my schedule in a way that feels good to me with one day per week being a non-negotiable do nothing day.  I also don’t like to add on social commitments on top of work days because I enjoy an uninterrupted evening routine to cook dinner, unwind, connect with my wife, and then get into bed early.  This leaves a much smaller window of time to socialize than I used to have available.  For people that have known me a long time, this is a big change and one that I’m not realizing I could have been more transparent about.   

You may have certain days of the week or times of the day that are off limits for you as well.  This could be times when you’re working, sleeping, having therapy, doing chores, getting your downtime, or practicing meaningful forms of self-care.  Whatever it is that you want to give your full attention to is valid and letting others know ahead of time that you’re unavailable can be an important boundary to set.  Through this experience, I was reminded of this.    

Exaggerating Your Feelings?

The other piece of the puzzle is that I notice myself still overinflating how busy I am in defense of why I’m not available, even with people that I know respect and understand my sensitive nature.  This is an old habit from growing up in a family that often demanded a lot of me and didn’t personally understand my need for downtime because they didn’t need it themselves.  This strategy is common for many sensitive folks desperately trying to be understood and have their needs taken seriously.  When others don’t understand how much something impacts you or why you require so much time alone, you may also find yourself exaggerating to be taken seriously (or at least not guilt tripped as much).

Being misunderstood as a highly sensitive person is common because most people in your life don’t have the same type of attuned, spongy nervous system that you do.  Most don’t need the same amount of downtime and recharging to function.  The solution is not to bend beyond your bandwidth, but to communicate your needs and experiences more clearly.    

Sharing Your Sensitivity

For more support in sharing your HSP experiences with the people in your life, join me for an upcoming workshop: Sharing Your Sensitivity (part of my Sensitive Sessions Workshop Series).  

Learn how to talk to others about your sensitivity, communicate your different needs, and know when to set boundaries. Will include shareable HSP facts and scripts to make the process of sharing with family, friends, coworkers, and partners less stressful.

Sign up here to join live on March 12th or watch the recording.