Eliminate Social Burnout with Fewer, But More Meaningful Connections
What needs to change in your life to stop feeling socially burned out? This year I took a big step and found out for myself. Here’s the story…
In 2010 I moved from my home on the East Coast to California and ever since I’ve been on this quest to squeeze in a year’s worth of quality time with friends and family into a week or two. Sounds like an impossible task and an HSP nightmare, doesn’t it? I can assure you, it is!
Instead of having space between family gatherings and friend hangouts to recharge, imagine speeding them up, attending one after another after another. The end result? Exhaustion, disappointment, and frustration, to name a few. It’s a more exaggerated example of trying to go out to happy hour after work or stacking your social commitments into one weekend per month so you can relax otherwise. You’re trying to fit too much in without enough buffer time in between.
Socializing From an Energy Deficit
During this social marathon, you start off excited, hopeful for deep connections, and feeling present and engaged but it only goes downhill from there. The people you see near the end of the day get the worst version of you - tired, irritable, checked out, and resentful.
When you’re engaging with people from a place of an energy deficit, it’s impossible to form deep relationships. You just don’t have the bandwidth to connect. You are not only depleted, but also unfulfilled when you head home. Spacing social events out still leaves you tired but it’s a “good tired” - you at least feel connected, fulfilled, maybe even inspired by what deep conversations you had. Leaving tired and empty is the worst scenario. You wasted your precious HSP energy and worse - you now have a negative association to contend with.
Vivid Memories of Connections Past
As a highly sensitive person with an emotionally rich and vivid memory recall, the next time you are invited by that person or to that place, you will remember how you felt the previous time and may either avoid the situation all together or attend with your guard up. Either of these scenarios may deprive you of connections you would have otherwise enjoyed.
This is exactly what has started to happen with my annual trips back home. A sense of dread and avoidance was creeping in that didn’t match my actual experience. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of painful memories and difficult family dynamics to face at home, but overall I’ve limited these interactions by setting firm boundaries to protect my sanity. That’s not what was causing this flavor of avoidance.
Instead, it’s the most recent years of marathon socializing - seeing people every day for a week, often multiple people per day. My California self is appalled at this behavior because at home on the West Coast, I only commit to a handful of social outings each month! As a big homebody and introvert, I prefer to spend as much of my weekend time in hibernation mode as possible.
Quality Over Quantity Social Policy
So on my most recent trip back to Delaware, I wanted to experiment with a different approach. It started by setting a new policy for myself - no more than one social commitment per day and at least one full day to recharge in the middle of the week. Instead of seeing several people multiple times over the course of my trip, I would instead take a quality over quantity approach and have a longer hangout. Starting off each day well-slept, not worrying about getting to the next commitment, and knowing I had time that night to fully decompress in my hotel room. You know what happened?
I felt free to lean into connection because there was no rush and I didn’t have to monitor my energy to make sure I was saving enough for the next outing that day. This new policy was liberating and I felt more relaxed.
Prioritize Fulfilling + Sustainable Connections
While my nervous system was happy, my emotional self still felt some sadness. Seeing people less than I had in the past brought up some feelings of grief, but then I reminded myself of the impact of having subsequent connections - the quality deteriorated and I was exhausted. This strategy of focusing on fewer, but more meaningful moments of connection was actually more fulfilling and sustainable.
Now, I invite you to think about your own social policies and boundaries:
Are you prioritizing quality or quantity?
Are you showing up excited or depleted?
Finding meaningful connections is already difficult for sensitive folks so give yourself the best chance of positive social experiences by going in energized and not overscheduling yourself. It’s okay to turn down a few casual invites in service of more fulfilling connections down the road.
