4 Steps to Prioritize Your HSP Needs Without Guilt
I am someone who is constantly thinking about the impact of my decisions on others and have to pay attention to make sure my guilt doesn’t run the show! There are many reasons for this:
I’m a highly empathetic HSP
eldest child who learned to take care of others at a young age
and a conflict avoidant perfectionist!
No matter what the scenario, I have been known to make my needs small so everyone around me is content. Partly this is because I don't want anyone to suffer (or be inconvenienced!) but more so because I don’t want to risk anyone getting upset with me. Conflict is overstimulating and highly emotional!
Sometimes it just feels easier to bypass your own needs, keep quiet, or make yourself small in order to take care of others. You get to skip the conflict, the discomfort of saying no, and feeling empathy for someone else’s disappointment. Of course, this can work in the moment, but we all know resentment replaces guilt when you put others first often enough. You feel guilty for setting a boundary and taking care of yourself, but over time resentment builds up.
Over the last few years with a good therapist and supportive people in my life, it has gotten a lot easier to speak up for myself and set boundaries when I’m feeling at capacity. However, those old messages still creep in from time to time:
What if you say no and they get mad at you?
It’s not so hard, you’re just making excuses.
You could say yes.
You’re being selfish.
With all that being said, you’ll understand more clearly why the story I’m about to tell you was so profound for me - a true breakthrough moment in honoring my needs.
My wife and I had bought tickets to a comedy performance. What I thought would be a low key night out turned tense very quickly after we took our seats. What we didn’t know is that the show was nearly 100% audience participation! My literal worst nightmare. I’m not talking about a few people getting selected to go on stage, but people getting pulled from the crowd every few minutes for every skit.
As you can imagine, a feeling of dread moved over me once I realized this and I started weighing my options for the show. Would I consider going up onto the stage? Absolutely not. Once I settled that for myself, I knew firmly that I had the choice to say no if approached. My wife, anticipating what I was thinking, let me know she would volunteer to go on stage in my place. That felt like a potential option, taking the pressure to perform off my shoulders.
I sat there for a few more rounds of audience selection, tracking how I was doing on the inside. Surprisingly, my anxiety was very low but I didn’t like the rhythm of the show. The constant switching of people on stage, the lights going up and down, and the stress of being potentially picked was so distracting - and starting to feel overstimulating. I just wanted to settle in to enjoy a performance. At that moment, I gave myself permission to leave the theater. I whispered to my wife that I needed to step away and that I would meet her outside afterwards.
The old me would have been filled with anxiety making that choice, fleeing from the theater instead of calmly walking out. I would have felt terribly guilty for leaving my wife alone and worried she would be upset. Instead I felt calm, certain, and proud of myself as I found a quiet spot to sit in the lobby. What a thrilling experience to set a boundary around an overstimulating situation and take care of my needs without any guilt or anxiety!
And in case you’re wondering - my wife never did get asked to go on stage and enjoyed the rest of the show. I’m still glad I honored my need to leave. It’s a moment I will always treasure and refer back to.
As I reflected back on this moment, I wondered how I could distill what helped me honor my needs so I could repeat the experience. I’m sure you want to know that too! Here’s what I came up with:
I am at a point now where I truly understand that I’m highly sensitive and that certain environments are more overstimulating for my nervous system - that’s just a fact.
Learning about what it means to be highly sensitive and practicing self-compassion has made it easier to accept that my needs are sometimes different. I don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty about that.
Taking time to check out what’s going on for me prevents getting overwhelmed with emotion and losing control of clear decision making. If I would have pushed away or ignored my initial dislike of the situation, I would have gotten more and more anxious, eventually needing to flee the situation instead of making a conscious choice and communicating my needs. Having a daily mindfulness and journaling practice makes self-check-ins more accessible.
Surrounding myself with people who respect my sensitivity and boundaries makes it easier to practice speaking my needs and making decisions that put me at the forefront. The more I practice and have the experience of being accepted, the easier it becomes to honor my needs.
Learning to put yourself first and honor yourself as a highly sensitive person is a process that takes time and practice. Educating yourself on what it means to be highly sensitive, practicing self-compassion and mindfulness, and surrounding yourself with people who support your growth are essential pieces of the puzzle.
Workshop: Honoring Your Needs Without Guilt
Begin to recognize when guilt is causing you to sacrifice your own well-being and learn a step-by-step process to work through feelings of guilt. In this workshop, you’ll learn:
What Causes Feelings of Guilt
Why HSPs Feel Guilty More Than Others
How to Reframe Guilt + Prioritize Your Needs More Often
Sign up for the Sensitive Sessions to watch the “Honoring Your Needs Without Guilt” workshop instantly (it was the October ‘23 theme). More details here.
