Expand Your Capacity for Deep Joy, Even When Others Don’t Feel It
How good can you allow yourself to feel as a highly sensitive person? How much can you tolerate without getting overwhelmed and shutting down your positive emotions? What will others think if you’re delightfully happy and they’re not; does that change how you relate to your feelings?
Like most highly sensitive folks, I’ve struggled throughout my life with the hardships of being easily overwhelmed. On the flip side, I’ve also been fortunate to experience some really incredible highs - and I’m not talking about the drug induced kind! When you have a wide capacity for emotional responsiveness as HSPs naturally do, you get to feel happiness, joy, excitement and all the other positive emotions more intensely.
Recently I had the opportunity to see Inside Out 2 at Pixar Animation Studios where the film was made, thanks to my wife’s work connections. Even more special was being able to share the experience with our two nephews who are like our children! Seeing that movie was already something I was looking forward to as a therapist and an HSP who values emotional expression and education. To see where it was actually made, learn interesting behind-the-scenes details about the film, and meet a few people who lovingly worked on the characters made it incredibly meaningful. In the past, I would have downplayed my excitement and the inspiration from having this experience, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to celebrate and share positive experiences.
Hiding Your Emotions
Have you also hidden away your positive emotions at times because someone wasn’t able to tolerate you being so happy? Or you felt guilty sharing your good fortune because they were going through a hard time? We don’t talk about this part of emotional suppression much, but focus more on the consequences of pushing down sadness, anger, or fear. Pushing away positive emotions also has consequences to our overall fulfillment and aliveness.
Emotions of all kinds are often disavowed because others can’t tolerate them and because the feelings are too overwhelming or not safe to feel. Unfortunately, when we disconnect from the difficult emotions, we also lose contact with our positive ones too.
After I moved to California from Delaware where I grew up and spent the first 28 years of my life, I felt this incredible sense of freedom. I would walk out of the Victorian house where I lived in San Francisco like I was floating on air. I never felt so alive! For the first time, life felt full of possibilities and hope. Compared to the mindset back home, people here embraced life wholeheartedly, lived on their own terms, and followed their heart - everything a more sensitive person needs to live a deeply fulfilling, balanced life.
Before heading west, life felt stagnant and people were content with the status quo, but I knew life had more to offer. I would get glimpses when I traveled, went to concerts, sat in meditation, or immersed myself in stories of other people’s lives but held back my excitement about what was possible because I got a sense it would make others uncomfortable. Although not everyone said this directly, there was an experience that confirmed my suspicions and left a big imprint on me for years.
Being Told You’re “Too Much”
Back when I was in my mid-20s, living in Delaware and working at a small natural foods store, I got really excited that we got a new trash can. Our old one had gotten a hole in the bottom that would get the cardboard wet when it rained so I was very excited to have a new one. You know, it’s the little things that bring us joy, right?! I was crushed when someone complained to the store owner that I was too excitable. I’ll never forget that. Those messages that say you’re “too much” as a sensitive person never leave you, consciously or unconsciously. Whether you’re too sad or happy, it can be difficult for others to accept.
After that experience, which was years before I would learn what high sensitivity is, I became more self-conscious about being joyful. When I moved to California, even though I was much happier, I toned it down when I would go back home for a visit. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with my happiness or make them feel bad. This really is where empathy can be taken to the extreme and turn into an assumption about someone else’s experience. No one in my family actually indicated that they couldn’t tolerate my newfound joy, it was ghosts from the past whispering in my ear - don’t be “too excited” or people won’t like you.
Finding Connection Through Emotional Expression
Believing these assumptions really is harmful because it sabotages opportunities for authentic connections and being your true self. Perhaps living freely will make others happy, maybe even inspire them. Maybe they’ll see me living my dreams and feel called to do the same. Why do I need to keep myself and my emotions small?
These days I’m working on expanding my capacity and comfort zone with fully feeling the positive end of my emotional spectrum. Not just when I’m sequestered in meditation at a retreat center or feeling blissfully lost in the moment at a concert, but I want to touch those emotions in my everyday life. I want to share them with others, like I’m doing writing this blog post. I want to be my fully feeling, authentic, sensitive self who cries easily but also is capable of feeling a natural euphoria. Why would I miss that?
What I hope you’ll take away from my story is that feeling deeply as a highly sensitive person goes both ways - you’ll experience low lows and high highs. One of the gifts of being born with this trait is having the ability to feel immense joy and connection, even over the little things. Don’t miss it! Notice if you’re allowing yourself to enjoy those feelings fully or if something is holding you back.
