What Is Your Anger Telling You?
Have you ever felt so angry that you wanted to pick up something fragile and smash it on the ground or scream until you cried? What stopped you? Maybe there’s a message inside you that says your big feelings aren’t allowed or sensitive people are supposed to be gentle and kind. Isn’t it ironic to think that someone who feels everything deeply wouldn’t also feel anger in a big way?
Of course, breaking things or screaming isn’t the best way to manage emotion and could lead to other problems. When you’re feeling that intensely, know that something is wrong - your nervous system is in a dysregulated state without the internal resources to calm yourself down. What could possibly lead you to a place of rage and destruction?
Anger is Overstimulation in Disguise
Maybe you’ve been pushing yourself at work, putting in long hours with little sleep while also keeping everything afloat at home? Do you have young kids who are always calling your name and hanging onto you, without ever getting a moment for yourself? Have you recently spent the day with your family who never stops talking yet somehow also manages to interrogate you with questions? Anger is a common reaction to all these situations, a common reaction to being overstimulated when you feel everything more deeply than most.
One of the memories I look back on as a sign I was highly sensitive before I knew what an HSP was - I had been living in San Francisco for almost a year when my beloved grandmother came out for a visit from the East Coast. I was so excited! My grandmother is very important to me, more like a mother than a grandparent, and we are very close. On the last day of her visit, after a long day of sightseeing, my uncle was driving us through the city trying to decide on a spot for dinner.
Feeling Guilty When Angry
Beyond depleted at this point, I couldn’t bear to cut my time with her short so I pushed through, wanting to soak up every moment I could together before she returned home. Unfortunately, my social battery was dangerously near empty and when she asked an innocent question, I snapped in irritation. I was so shocked at myself and felt so guilty, I had never spoken to my grandmother in that tone and immediately apologized.
At the time I knew I was tired, but wouldn’t fully understand the full picture of what happened until years later when I learned about the trait and what it meant to be an HSP who gets easily overwhelmed. Flash forward to a few weeks ago, now a therapist supporting HSP clients, sitting in sessions with folks who are grappling with their relationship to anger and having those same feelings of guilt as I had with my grandmother. So many HSPs I come into contact feel embarrassed by their anger and want to always be empathetic and kind, even when others don’t return the gesture.
Anger is a Messenger
Anger is not something you have to push away or should be ashamed of, it’s a messenger. Anger shows up when your needs aren’t being met, when there’s an injustice to fight for, or your boundaries are being tested - yet again. When anger shows up, let it take up space, listen to what it’s trying to tell you. Feel your anger before it gets so big you feel compelled to break dishes, yell at someone you care about, or do something else that you’ll regret. Instead, try yelling into a pillow, tensing and releasing your muscles, going for a run, or huffing and puffing your way through some big exhales.
Once you’ve tended to your anger, can you get curious about what it’s trying to tell you? By the time anger shows up, whether it’s in the form of irritability, resentment, frustration, or full out rage, you probably missed a few other cues that something is off. Look a little closer at how you’re feeling, what your gut is saying, or how tired you are so you can make different choices in the future to honor your needs, limits, values, and boundaries.
Ignoring Your Intuition
For example, have you ignored your instinct not to go out with friends who always stay out late? Then you find yourself at a loud restaurant at 11pm, two hours past your wind down time feeling resentful and annoyed. It’s okay, we’ve all been there! Instead of beating yourself up or pushing your feelings away, instead try to remember this moment and make a different choice to care for yourself next time. Only say yes to this friend group when you have energy to spare or let them know you’ll need to leave by 9pm so you can get to bed on time.
Remember that you’re allowed to feel angry as a sensitive person, just don’t forget to check in with yourself to ask why and then make a different choice to protect yourself going forward.
