The Cost of Sacrificing Your Needs to Make Others Comfortable
As I write this, I’m sitting at my desk staring out the window at the trees dancing in the wind. Last week I took the week off for my birthday and I can feel a strong urge to hold onto the slowness of being on staycation as I move back into work mode. Finding the right balance of doing enough, but not too much is tricky for any HSP, especially for a perfectionist like myself.
Personally, I easily get pulled into wanting to do everything just right and have to resist the urge to take care of everyone around me. A mixture of being more empathetic as an HSP and growing up as the eldest child with emotionally immature parents. When you constantly put yourself aside, there is a big cost - you lose yourself, you lose connection with your heightened intuition. Even more dangerous for an HSP is that you lose access to your inner compass, leaving you often stuck in overstimulation mode as you try to keep up with the non-HSPs in your life rather than tending to your sensitive needs.
Doing Less + Being Good Enough
While most people in my life would say I’m excellent at setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care, I know I am still a work in progress. Even if I don’t act on the internal impulse to do more, there are often worries of being good enough and doing enough compared to others. For instance, I took time off over my birthday week because I felt the call for deep hibernation time. A few days with no commitments so I could be free to float from one thing to the next or do nothing at all, depending on my mood and energy. Nothing on the calendar with nothing specific to do are my favorite kinds of days.
Last week I was fully content in my own bubble until the birthday messages and calls started coming in. There were so many (well-meaning) wishes that I was doing something “fun” to celebrate or going on some type of adventure. After being in my HSP-bubble, the pressure to be different, to do more, or to be more exciting, started to build again. Sharing what I actually did - relaxed, recharged, got happily lost in existential thoughts about turning 42, you know the usual HSP thing - brought up sounds of disappointment in people’s voices. It was subtle, but of course I could detect it because I’ve been hearing those messages my whole life! I imagine you have too?
Ignore the Messages to Do More
This is just one example of what sensitive people, introverts, and neurodivergent folks of all kinds deal with on a regular basis, not just on birthdays or special occasions. There are constant overt or covert messages to be more like everyone else. Be more social, be more decisive, be less emotional, you know the drill.
On top of that, you may also find yourself managing other people’s concerns, confusion, or judgment about your life choices! When other people are not wired for deep processing, don’t notice as many subtle details, and aren’t as empathetic, they don’t need nearly as much decompression time as you do. Since we all only have our own experience to go by, it can be difficult to understand someone else’s lived experiences and needs.
The non-HSPs in your life know they would be unhappy, bored, or lonely living the kind of life you live. Because they care about you, they worry that you’re not having enough fun or connection when in reality you only need a little engagement and stimulation to fulfill you. Sensitive folks soak up the good of life like a sponge, thanks to our “differential susceptibility” which makes us more impacted by stress but also by positive experiences.
Prioritize Your Sensitive Needs
Be careful comparing yourself to others because it’s like comparing apples to oranges. As an HSP, you need to live for yourself and not follow someone else’s compass. As I sink deeper into my 40s, time feels more precious and I realize that I don’t want to waste my life living for others. This past week was so fulfilling for me, I was able to spend more time tending to myself and reflecting quietly than I have in awhile. I took time to cook new recipes, linger on my yoga mat, and read leisurely. Why would I sacrifice that joy, especially when I am blessed with this trait that lets me feel the good so deeply? Why would I deny myself what allows me to feel balanced and not get overwhelmed? Living like a non-HSP is not worth the sacrifice, the cost is too high.
As I ease back into my normal routine this week, I’m bringing some of the quiet spaciousness with me as much as possible. What does that look like? Prioritizing time in the mornings for yoga, journaling, and a nice breakfast instead of rushing to answer emails and check my phone. Honoring my schedule boundaries and not saying yes to a request that interferes with self-care time or prevents me from having a day off each week to do nothing. Getting into bed with enough time to slowly wind down with a book. I invite you to reflect on what you need to honor your sensitivity and how you’re sacrificing yourself to make others feel more comfortable at your expense.
