4 Steps to Navigate Criticism as a Highly Sensitive Person
Receiving criticism can feel like the end of the world when you feel everything so deeply, see meaning in every interaction, and find it painful to disappoint others. Criticism could feel as if your worst fears are coming true - you’re not enough or aren’t doing enough.
Below you’ll discover why criticism is so difficult for highly sensitive folks, typical responses when facing conflict, and ways to manage it without apologizing or blaming yourself.
Why Criticism Is So Difficult
Having a temperament that is only shared by about 20% of the population, HSPs are often criticized for being different. This can lead to feeling misunderstood or being an outsider, impacting your self-esteem and making criticism even more painful to hear. At different parts of your life, you’ve probably heard that you’re too much of this or not enough of that:
too emotional
too sensitive
too quiet
not fast enough
not flexible enough
When you’re constantly trying to fit in, hearing criticism is distressing. Your nervous system is more sensitive to the world around you, therefore the intensity of conflict can feel very overstimulating. To a highly sensitive person, criticism seems loud, harsh and more extreme than the person delivering the message may intend.
You feel everything more deeply, process the meaning of the criticism at length, and are more attuned to the emotions of others. Not only are you feeling your own pain and discomfort, but due to your higher capacity for empathy, you’re also feeling the pain of the other person. This is a lot to feel and think about! It makes sense to want to avoid the conflict completely!
Typical HSP Responses to Criticism
Highly sensitive people are masters of the subtle. You’re wired to notice the subtle details in your environment, everything from body language to the lighting in a room. This characteristic evolved because it was a life-saving advantage to notice the slightest dangers, but can be a downside when you don’t realize that not everyone has this capability. You might assume others can pick up on your nonverbal cues or vague responses, that others will notice when your feelings have been hurt. When you feel criticized you may respond in a way that doesn’t address the conflict directly, hoping the other person will pick up on how upset you are.
4 Ways to Manage Criticism
It’s safe to say that you will never enjoy being criticized or find it effortless to address a conflict, but the experience can be less overwhelming than it feels now. As much as your Sensitivity makes it more difficult to navigate these quarrels, there are also innate characteristics in your Sensitivity that we can lean on when managing a conflict.
Reality Check Yourself
When processing a critical remark, it’s important to look at the facts of the situation. It can be easy to assume whatever someone is saying is a fact, but it may not be about you at all. What a relief, right? Perhaps the person delivering the criticism is projecting another frustration onto you, maybe they’re feeling “hangry” because they haven’t eaten or are depressed and seeing everything through a cloudy grey lens. There are so many reasons why people react the way they do, especially considering that we all experience each moment differently based on our unique life experiences. The criticism is not always about you, so be sure to take a moment to reflect on the whole picture before assigning blame to yourself.
Use Your Sensitivity To Your Advantage
Being born with the highly sensitive trait means having more active mirror neurons in your brain. This allows you to feel more empathy for people, which sometimes feels like a burden, but being able to sense into what other people are feeling can actually be a gift! Your empathy coupled with the ability to feel a wide range of emotions gives you the ability to be an emotional leader in relationships. You can see more layers of what is happening for people, sometimes more than they are aware of themselves.
When someone is critical, you have the ability to put yourself in their shoes for a moment and can ask:
What does this person need?
What could be going on for them?
Is this really about me?
This approach can provide clarity, lessen the impact of the criticism and provide the basis for more meaningful conversation with the critic.
Another part of being highly sensitive is having a brain that pauses to process decisions before talking or acting. Your brain takes in the criticism itself, the nonverbal cues of the critic, and the context in order to understand the situation more clearly. This processing can help you explore the following questions:
Is there a part of this criticism that is true and useful?
Have I been in a situation like this before? What worked and what didn’t?
What can I take away from this and apply in the future?
Give yourself time to talk it through with a trusted friend, write your reflections down in a journal, or process with your therapist.
Self-Regulate
Hearing criticism can be very threatening because you are being told you don’t fit into the group or there’s something imperfect about you, which can feel unsettling or even dangerous. Your nervous system might switch into “fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn” mode. It’s important to keep yourself as calm as possible so that you can think clearly and access your empathy. A few simple ways I like to ground myself include:
Pressing my feet firmly into the ground and taking a few slow deep breaths.
Gazing around the room and describing the colors and textures of the objects I see.
Giving myself a hug or bringing my knees to my chest.
Taking a walk outside while I think things through .
Singing or humming out loud.
Practice Self-Compassion
According to the Stanford Center for Compassion, practicing self-compassion can increase resilience and the ability to manage mistakes. Treating yourself kindly as you would a friend helps you see the bigger picture, including the good parts of yourself, which can take the weight out of a critical comment. Start by practicing the self-compassion break from Kristin Neff on a regular basis.
Criticism is harsh and painful for someone who feels deeply and is more aware of subtleties, but some of what makes criticism so difficult for highly sensitive folks can actually help you move through it. You have an incredible gift to deeply reflect and see the big picture. When a conflict arises, you can look at what lessons apply to you while having empathy for the critic.
